if i can run in heels then i can drive
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
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