My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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