Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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