I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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