FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
