So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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