Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
