I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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