Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
