Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
