eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
did i just pee glitter
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
