I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
