i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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