so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
