Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
