she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
