How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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