I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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