There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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