The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
