he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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