Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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