How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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