birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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