ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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