In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
