Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
