I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
