shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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