i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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