i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
