Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I did not marry a roomba.
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