Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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