Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
