Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
