Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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