Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
