I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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