I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
did i just pee glitter
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
