I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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