I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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