not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
