I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
