When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
