I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
