I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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