She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she peed on how many people?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
