Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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