There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
