Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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