You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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