I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just puked most of my soul out..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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