I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging